R U Ready 4 Freddy?

Michael Bay is remaking A Nightmare On Elm Street. Gahhh, just typing that makes me cringe. NOES is my all time favorite franchise. I love Freddy. Why not just make another sequel? What happened to those Freddy v. Jason v. Ash and Prequel rumors??

Anyway, I chose to remember the good times instead of bite my nails and build a bomb thinking about a flashy special effects shitstorm in pre-production.

Ok, so Michael may get the best holiday (Halloween) and Jason owns the most unlucky day eva (Friday the 13th), But Freddy, you're all his 8 hours of the day. You can run from Freddy, but as soon as your eyes close...

Lets visit Springwood Ohio (even though they sometimes have California license plates). "A Nice Place to Live" You can see a flick at The Rialto, an old fashioned cinema, or grab some soul food at The Crave Inn. Be sure to tip Alice well, she's had a hard life...but more on her later. Like every town though, Springwood has its own haunted house. 1428 Elm Street. Lets go there now

Worship And Tribute

Freddy Krueger is a man of business. He sees an oportunity and he goes for it. When Nintendo got hot, he's all Lemme git on dat. Thus one of the most underrated video games of all time.

Hell yeah Homie, this game was the shit. You ran around trying to collect Freddy's bones (a great homage to part 3) If ya took to long you'd fall asleep and have to fight Freddy. There were radios and coffee scattered around to wake yo ass up. The downers were a) this game got really freakin hard and there was no ways to earn extra lives. b) when played 2 player you have to move at the same time. So if say your sister kept falling down a hole, I'd have to wait for her to make the jump before I could keep goin.
Mr. Krueger also had a board game, toys (for children), a yoyo, masks, books, comics and even rapped with The Fat Boys!

Kill Em All Freddy, Ki-Wait No I actually like the Elm Street Gang!

Its easy to watch Jason butcher a bunch of stereotypes with genitals, but it's a little harder to watch Freddy kill characters that, well don't deserve to die. With a few exceptions they dont break the horror rules. Oh You don't know the rules?? Help Me out Randy!

Randy:There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex. [crowd boos]

Randy: BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs. [crowd cheers and raises their bottles]

Randy: The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one.

A Nightmare On Elm Street:
Nancy had it all, a supa hot boyfriend (Johnny Depp), a skanky BFF, an alcoholic mother and a Police Chief Dad. But all that happiness comes crashing down when she starts dreaming of a horribly burned man with finger knives. Why would anyone wanna kill Nancy, or more so Johnny Depp (80's Johnny at that!). Oh yeah its cuz their parents torched him alive, and now he's out for revenge.

Best Death: Fountain of Blood. Johnny Depp gets eaten then puked up by his bed.
Best Character: Im giving this one to Nancy's drunk mama Marge. She's insane and super tan!

Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge:
ok Freddy, kill em all this time!

Bizarre, homoerotic..2 words that come to mind when I think of this disaster. Jesse's family moves into Nancy's old house and weird shit starts happening (that Im still not sure how they relate to Freddy). A parakeet explodes, the house gets really hot, a toaster catches fire...um is this 1428 Elm Street or Amittyville?? Also this movie has a lot of homosexual undertones, which is probably the only entertaining thing about it.

Most Retarded Death: Gym teacher is stripped naked and towel whipped before getting slashed in the back
Best Character: a guido named Grady who gets grounded for pushing his grandma down the st

Nightmare On Em Street 3 The Dream Warriors
After part 2 sucked so damn much, they figured they better step up b4 they lost the fans. Dudes, did they ever deliver. Part 3 is scary, entertaining, great setting, great characters.
After Kristen is commited to a mental institution after a failed suicide attempt. She meets up with a bunch of kids who share her nightmare...including an intern named Nancy!! All grown up and on Hypnocil, she helps the psychos channel their power and fight Freddy.

Best Death: Phillip's marionette walk
Best catch phrase: While Robert Englund says he always has to sign: Welcome to Prime Time Bitch on people's pics, "I am the wizard master" has become part of my re-occuring sayings.

Think about it! In prt 3 Joey is in a coma and Freddy slashes a message "Come and get him bitch" on his CHEST. How ya gonna explain that one on the beach Joey?

Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

The highest grossing film, haters call it The MTV sequel. Ok and while it is blood-lite, super glossy special effects( that stand up better than many new films) and has a supa kickass soundtrack, doesn't mean it ain't great. In fact it's the best!!

The surviving Dream Warriors are out of the ward and in high school, but Kristen has a feeling that Freddy is NOT dead. One by one kids start dropping like flies and Freddy is back, better than ever. Seriously, his makeup has/will never look better. This movie is very daytime, so they went all out and he looks like a champ.

Best Character: I really do love them all, the Johnson siblings Alice and Rick are awesome. longest running crush: Rick

Best catch phrase: "You know you are one major league hunk" "Swish, killed a fish!"
Best Death: Poor Debbie, homegirl get turned into a cockroach. One of the most famous deaths.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DohpknmKr7s

Nightmare on Elm Street 5:The Dream Child

Alice gets preggers and her baby is dreaming of Freddy, and he's killing her friends. Talk about problem child! What did Junior do that was that bad. Make Nippy shit alot?

This movie has some shitty effects, Freddy looks off, and is kinda boring between deaths. But Alice still rocks. And newcomer Mark is pretty cool for a comic nerd.

Best Death- All 3 (yeah only 3) deaths kinda rocked my socks, but Greta gets fed herself, sooo, I guess she wins?

Worst Character: Yvonne. Oh I hate her. I'm not the only one either. Along with Jesse from prt2, she's one of the most hated Elm Street kids. Total bitch

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

I wonder how many times I watched this as a kid. Why? It sucks. Annoying characters, retarded nonsensical plot and RoseAnne and Tom Arnold make a cameo in it. Its big selling point was the 3d ending. Hmmm 3d horror movies: Friday the 13th 3D...Jaws 3D, so yeah they were just like 10 years too late on that one.

Best Death: Spencer's Nintendo death (super cheesy, made for laughs, although not funny so..)

Wes Cravens New Nightmare Negates all the above sequels so its dead to me, and Freddy v. Jason isn't really an Elm Street movie, though props for the Hyponcil shoutout.

Alright that ends this bloated enrtyl. So fill up on coffee, take some No Doze, but whatever you do. Don't Fall Asleep!