The Lost Babysitters Club Book

Kristy's Big Secret

The other day I found a secret passage in my bedroom, behind the bookshelf! It led to a weird makeshift office, where I found a folder labeled: A.M.M. Inside was what appeared to be the rough draft of an unfinished BSC book! Yay!! Here's what was written.

It's Monday and there are exactly two minutes until I call this club meeting to order. Well, it's not so much a club as a business. I, Kristy Thomas, came up with the idea to start a babysitting business after my mom couldn't find a sitter for happy hour. I thought it would be great if a parent could call just one number and have seven girls available to babysit. It is great for us too, because what thirteen year old doesn't want to spend everyday watching over a small child? Plus, now I finally have plans for the weekened. We are a great bunch, espeially me! That's why I'm president.

Across from me sitting on the bed is Claudia. She's vice president, mainly because we use her room, her phone, eat her food and annoy her family 3 times a week. Claudia is Japanese-American. That means her parents are from China. Claudia is a total fashion whore. She comes up with the most outrageous outfits imaginable. For instance today she's wearing super baggy red and yellow striped pants and rainbow suspenders over a lime green shirt with huge puff balls down the front. On her feet she wore large plastic blue shoes with sparkle shoelaces and finished the ensemble off with a big red nose on her face. She looked too cool! Claud is also a fantastic artist. She can trace pictures from books better than anyone I know! Unfortunately reading those books is another story. Claudia is sooo bad in school that she was recently demoted back to second grade. It was hard on her at first, until she realized she got to hang out with all her buddy charges on the playground.

Sitting next to her is my best friend MaryAnne. MaryAnne is worlds apart from Claud. Most importantly she's white. She has a beautiful peaches and creme complexion, set off by her soft brown hair and soulful eyes. I've never met anyone as special as MaryAnne! Before my mom got remarried to a millionaire (more on that later) we lived next door to each other. In fact I was able to see into her room from my bedroom window. Man, those were good times! But now I live on the other side of town, and Mary Anne lives in an old farmhouse with another member of our club, Dawn. Dawn is from California and that's about all I know. We aren't really that close, I don't know, there is just something about her that rubs me the wrong way....and I'm not jealous if that's what you are thinking!

My eyes quickly skip past Mallory and Jessi, onto Stacey. Stacey loves fashion just as much as Claudia, but sticks to a more chic New York style. Today she has on gold ballet flats that show off her sculpted bronzed legs. Her skin tight spandex bicycle shorts hug her curvy hips and her black low-cut sweater accentuates her perfect volumptous heaving...---Ughh, "This meeting of the Babysitters club is now in order" I yelp while fanning myself with a notebook.

And that's all that was written. Dang! I wonder what Kristy's big secret was. I guess the world will never know...

R U Ready 4 Freddy?

Michael Bay is remaking A Nightmare On Elm Street. Gahhh, just typing that makes me cringe. NOES is my all time favorite franchise. I love Freddy. Why not just make another sequel? What happened to those Freddy v. Jason v. Ash and Prequel rumors??

Anyway, I chose to remember the good times instead of bite my nails and build a bomb thinking about a flashy special effects shitstorm in pre-production.

Ok, so Michael may get the best holiday (Halloween) and Jason owns the most unlucky day eva (Friday the 13th), But Freddy, you're all his 8 hours of the day. You can run from Freddy, but as soon as your eyes close...

Lets visit Springwood Ohio (even though they sometimes have California license plates). "A Nice Place to Live" You can see a flick at The Rialto, an old fashioned cinema, or grab some soul food at The Crave Inn. Be sure to tip Alice well, she's had a hard life...but more on her later. Like every town though, Springwood has its own haunted house. 1428 Elm Street. Lets go there now

Worship And Tribute

Freddy Krueger is a man of business. He sees an oportunity and he goes for it. When Nintendo got hot, he's all Lemme git on dat. Thus one of the most underrated video games of all time.

Hell yeah Homie, this game was the shit. You ran around trying to collect Freddy's bones (a great homage to part 3) If ya took to long you'd fall asleep and have to fight Freddy. There were radios and coffee scattered around to wake yo ass up. The downers were a) this game got really freakin hard and there was no ways to earn extra lives. b) when played 2 player you have to move at the same time. So if say your sister kept falling down a hole, I'd have to wait for her to make the jump before I could keep goin.
Mr. Krueger also had a board game, toys (for children), a yoyo, masks, books, comics and even rapped with The Fat Boys!

Kill Em All Freddy, Ki-Wait No I actually like the Elm Street Gang!

Its easy to watch Jason butcher a bunch of stereotypes with genitals, but it's a little harder to watch Freddy kill characters that, well don't deserve to die. With a few exceptions they dont break the horror rules. Oh You don't know the rules?? Help Me out Randy!

Randy:There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex. [crowd boos]

Randy: BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs. [crowd cheers and raises their bottles]

Randy: The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one.

A Nightmare On Elm Street:
Nancy had it all, a supa hot boyfriend (Johnny Depp), a skanky BFF, an alcoholic mother and a Police Chief Dad. But all that happiness comes crashing down when she starts dreaming of a horribly burned man with finger knives. Why would anyone wanna kill Nancy, or more so Johnny Depp (80's Johnny at that!). Oh yeah its cuz their parents torched him alive, and now he's out for revenge.

Best Death: Fountain of Blood. Johnny Depp gets eaten then puked up by his bed.
Best Character: Im giving this one to Nancy's drunk mama Marge. She's insane and super tan!

Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge:
ok Freddy, kill em all this time!

Bizarre, homoerotic..2 words that come to mind when I think of this disaster. Jesse's family moves into Nancy's old house and weird shit starts happening (that Im still not sure how they relate to Freddy). A parakeet explodes, the house gets really hot, a toaster catches fire...um is this 1428 Elm Street or Amittyville?? Also this movie has a lot of homosexual undertones, which is probably the only entertaining thing about it.

Most Retarded Death: Gym teacher is stripped naked and towel whipped before getting slashed in the back
Best Character: a guido named Grady who gets grounded for pushing his grandma down the st

Nightmare On Em Street 3 The Dream Warriors
After part 2 sucked so damn much, they figured they better step up b4 they lost the fans. Dudes, did they ever deliver. Part 3 is scary, entertaining, great setting, great characters.
After Kristen is commited to a mental institution after a failed suicide attempt. She meets up with a bunch of kids who share her nightmare...including an intern named Nancy!! All grown up and on Hypnocil, she helps the psychos channel their power and fight Freddy.

Best Death: Phillip's marionette walk
Best catch phrase: While Robert Englund says he always has to sign: Welcome to Prime Time Bitch on people's pics, "I am the wizard master" has become part of my re-occuring sayings.

Think about it! In prt 3 Joey is in a coma and Freddy slashes a message "Come and get him bitch" on his CHEST. How ya gonna explain that one on the beach Joey?

Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

The highest grossing film, haters call it The MTV sequel. Ok and while it is blood-lite, super glossy special effects( that stand up better than many new films) and has a supa kickass soundtrack, doesn't mean it ain't great. In fact it's the best!!

The surviving Dream Warriors are out of the ward and in high school, but Kristen has a feeling that Freddy is NOT dead. One by one kids start dropping like flies and Freddy is back, better than ever. Seriously, his makeup has/will never look better. This movie is very daytime, so they went all out and he looks like a champ.

Best Character: I really do love them all, the Johnson siblings Alice and Rick are awesome. longest running crush: Rick

Best catch phrase: "You know you are one major league hunk" "Swish, killed a fish!"
Best Death: Poor Debbie, homegirl get turned into a cockroach. One of the most famous deaths.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DohpknmKr7s

Nightmare on Elm Street 5:The Dream Child

Alice gets preggers and her baby is dreaming of Freddy, and he's killing her friends. Talk about problem child! What did Junior do that was that bad. Make Nippy shit alot?

This movie has some shitty effects, Freddy looks off, and is kinda boring between deaths. But Alice still rocks. And newcomer Mark is pretty cool for a comic nerd.

Best Death- All 3 (yeah only 3) deaths kinda rocked my socks, but Greta gets fed herself, sooo, I guess she wins?

Worst Character: Yvonne. Oh I hate her. I'm not the only one either. Along with Jesse from prt2, she's one of the most hated Elm Street kids. Total bitch

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

I wonder how many times I watched this as a kid. Why? It sucks. Annoying characters, retarded nonsensical plot and RoseAnne and Tom Arnold make a cameo in it. Its big selling point was the 3d ending. Hmmm 3d horror movies: Friday the 13th 3D...Jaws 3D, so yeah they were just like 10 years too late on that one.

Best Death: Spencer's Nintendo death (super cheesy, made for laughs, although not funny so..)

Wes Cravens New Nightmare Negates all the above sequels so its dead to me, and Freddy v. Jason isn't really an Elm Street movie, though props for the Hyponcil shoutout.

Alright that ends this bloated enrtyl. So fill up on coffee, take some No Doze, but whatever you do. Don't Fall Asleep!

How I Learned Drugs Were Bad

Drugs are bad. Tv and pre-teen lit taught me this. I really can't think of an interesting opener so whatevs...
*Unfun Fact: I won 2nd place in the DARE class essay. I got a watch!

90210

During 90210's 88 seasons on the air, almost every character except Andrea had a serious addiction of some sort. Even Hey-zeus aka Brandon Walsh was a gambling addict and was tricked into trying U4EA by the cunning Emily Valentine. But my favorite 3 episode addiction had to be David Silver and his meth-orange juice storyline.

So David is a freshman in college and he gets a very important job as a campus DJ, but there's a catch! Its the graveyard shift. I guess they did hear is old high school radio show! Anyway in order to stay up all night and still make it to class a pony-tailed DJ offers him some meth-and orange juice. We know things are getting out of control, because Daivd is dancing and acting
dumber than usual.http://youtube.com/watch?v=GQU7HRJWS1s This is usual

The shit reaaaaally hits the fan when he loses his baby sister in the mall, or some mess. Kelly and everyone freaks out on his ass for being irresponsible and so he stops doing meth-and orange juice. I really think he's just like, " you know guys your'e right. I'mma stop doing meth-an orange juice. Nnnnnow!"
Happy ending.

Life Lessons Learned

Meth-and orange juice will make you talk fast and listen to shit like Ace Of Base

Consequences? Forgetting about yr sister. Thinking Tori Spelling is attractive

Meth is super-easy to quit after Kelly Taylor yells at you

Saved By The Bell
Are you there ZackGod, It's Me Jessie?

In the most famous epi EVER. Jessi is supa stressed about a test and on top of that Zack (GOD) has the bright idea to turn the trifecta (Lisa, Kelly and Jess) into the female New Kids On The Block with video and lip-syncing!!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MMCZF6E4dDM&feature=related I'm thinkin the director was a crackhead
How does everybodies least fav feminist handle the preshua? Caffeine pills.
Two days later she's a total mess. More fast talking occurs (thats how we know the drugs have ahold of her).

At school, Slater knocks her bookbag down and while helping her pick her shit up totally reads her prescription bottle. He tells her caffeine pills are bad news. Really? Cuz I have a hard time believing a 16 is naturally that buff! Ya fucking Roid poppa. Of course she ignores Slater, like everyone should. Slater is pretty paper thin, even for a SBTB character, only surpassed by Kelly Kapowski.
So the BIG day arrives, time to impress the big wig music producer with their lip-syncing skillz, and ZackGOD finds Jessie passed out- or napping?? on her bed. She tells him she just needs a lil caffeine to wake her ass up ( like 80% of the country). GOD freaks out on her telling her those are dangerous (not) and then she's all. " Oh ya wanna see a freakout, beat this!" http://youtube.com/watch?v=ljtuGoIIKGs
I think they even take her to the hospital...no not the mental hospital, which would actually make sense.

Life Lessons Learned

Drugs make even the most boring person interesting


Sweet Valley High

Every once in a while (always) SVH would take a serious topic and TOTALLY fuck up the moral.

Ex: Robin is teased (almost Carrie levels of harassment) for being chubby, so she loses a ton of weight in like a week, and becomes BFF's with the same girls who tormented her. Score for the fatty! "I barfed my way to acceptance!"

Ex: Annie is teased sooo much by the chearleaders, she tries to kill herself! Jessica feels bad so lets her join the team. Yay, Annie has a reason to live! BFF's 4 Ever! "Attempted suicide is a great way to get what you want!"

Ex: Lynne is a super terrific singer/musician, smart and one of the few nice interesting people in SVH, but she is kinda homely. But after a makeover the boy she's been in love with finally realizes how special she is. Yay for lip gloss! "It doesn't matter how talented you are, all that matters in being gorgeous!"

So how does Sweet Valley tackle teenage drug use?

Regina, one of the more likeable characters finds out this slut Amy and her hot boyfriend Bruce Patman are screwing around behind her back. She is totally devistated and starts hanging out with the "bad crowd". At a party someone brings some cocaine and Regina snorts some...and fucking drops dead!
Turns out she had a heart condition and the coke was too much for her to handle. Gahh?

So basically, parents, don't even worry about talking to your kids about drugs. Tv and fictional stories totally have that covered. You have more important things to wory about, so leave the hard stuff to Luke Perry.